A Lot Going On

My life has been hectic as of late… I’ve had three trips to the psychiatric hospital since Spring, the last one being in June. I was released on the 30th. I am currently in a partial hospitalization program at a local hospital. I’m still struggling with depression, suicidal thought, and psychosis. I’m also having a lot of dissociative symptoms and “spacing out” daily. Sleep has been an issue, as well. The night of July 4th, I didn’t sleep at all because the psychotic symptoms kept me awake all night, and Sunday night I didn’t sleep as well. I took a nap yesterday for 5 hours, and woke up at 9 pm, which meant I couldn’t sleep last night either. As I’m typing this, I’ve been awake since that nap.

I also had another pseudoseizure last night around 2 am. I was sitting at my computer desk watching television, and then I was on the floor, unable to move, and still shaking. They are terrifying when they happen. I’ve only had three seizures in my life and would prefer to never have another. Pseudoseizures are like regular seizures but don’t show up in the brain like epilepsy. The brain waves are normal, to my understanding. That is how they diagnose them as “pseudo” rather than regular seizures. They are typically caused by increased stress or psychological symptoms, and usually coincide with PTSD, schizophrenia, depression, and/or anxiety. All of which I am diagnosed with…

I am not looking forward to going to PHP today. I’m worried that they will want to send me to the ER because of the seizure, and I really don’t think I need to go. I’m going to call my neurologist first thing in the morning and leave a message for her. I have an appointment with her in September already, although she may want to see me earlier now. I also see my primary care physician next week, so that may appease the PHP therapist and nurse. Hopefully, at least.

As far as my psychological symptoms are concerned… I’m having increased depression that is leading to suicidal thoughts and auditory and visual hallucinations of demons. The demons are telling me to do things that are not healthy or good for me to do. They want me to self harm and every now and then will tell me I need to die. They aren’t telling me to kill myself, just that I would be better off dead. Does that make sense? I hope so…

My narcissistic mother has actually been pretty decent lately. She hasn’t been as demanding as she normally is. I think she is compensating and adjusting her behavior because of my hospitalizations. I’m not complaining in the slightest. It’s nice to get a break from being treated like a slave 24 hours a day.

I think that all I have for this update. I hope y’all are well and enjoying your day! Take care!

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