A Little Update, Some Deep Stuff

I don’t even really know what I want to say… I know I want to say something, though. I want to spill my guts, just talk into cyberspace, pretend that because it’s on the computer no one will actually see or read the words on this page. But I don’t know what to say or where to start, really.

I’ve been in PHP (partial hospitalization program) since July 3rd. An entire month now. They haven’t even brought up a possible discharge date yet. I know insurance will spring it on them last minute, that they aren’t going to cover it anymore, and the patient only has one more day in those cases sometimes. I hope mine doesn’t do that, I need time to prepare. Plus, I don’t feel ready to be done with PHP yet.

I’m still feeling extremely depressed, and having suicidal thoughts nearly every day. The doctor at PHP has added a second antidepressant, and recently raised the dosage of that one. Hopefully, it will start to work soon. I hate that psych meds take so long to start working. I need relief from these symptoms, sooner rather than later, and all I can really do is sit and wait while the medication builds up in my system. I am so tired of being depressed. I am tired of wanting to die. There’s this paradox to it, I want to die, but I don’t want to die, at the same time. It’s the second part that has kept me here… that second part is more about my friends than it is about me, in all truthfulness. I just plain won’t do that to them. At this point in time, at least. For now, they are enough to keep me going day to day. For now…

I’m having psychosis every day, as well, to the point that sometimes they seem too real to be hallucinations. I’ve had moments where I really, truly believed that the things I am seeing and hearing are really there. The hallucinations, the demons as I typically refer to them, have been telling me to do things, things that I don’t really want to do. Things like self harm and suicide. Sometimes, however, I do listen to them and act on the lesser of the evils they are commanding of me, even though I don’t want to do it, it shuts them up for a period of time. I get silence for a little while.

Even with the medications, I haven’t had silence in a long time. Silence is something that has eluded me for most of this past year. I am nearing my limit, the limit of what I can handle, what I’m willing to handle.

The demons have been telling me that the medications are going to turn me into one of them, also. Which makes it hard for me to take them. During the week, the nurse at PHP has been helping me take my meds in the morning. All my psych meds are in the morning, and those are the only ones that I’m having trouble taking; I can take my medical meds with no problems. The weekends are another story. Yesterday, I was able to take them but immediately had an insanely strong urge to throw up. I was only able to keep the meds down for about 5 minutes. Today, I’ve only been able to take a Thorazine. At least, so far. It’s getting a little late to take them, though. I tried taking the Thorazine, hoping that it would make it easier to take the rest of them once it started to kick in, but my plan didn’t really work too well. I’ve managed to keep the Thorazine down, however, so that should count for something.

I don’t know, I’ve just gotten to this point where I am so freaking tired… tired of the symptoms, tired of fighting, tired of everything. I have PHP in the morning, and I don’t even want to go… I always feel just a little better once I’m there, but I want to just not go and spend the day sulking in bed, isolating. I’ll probably still go, though. Because I’m supposed to, because I’m expected to be there. Because I always do what is expected of me…

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