It is really loud to me right now. The demons are coming at me full force. Probably from lack of sleep. I didn’t sleep last night at all and only got a 5-hour nap in during the day. They tend to get louder when I’m really tired or really stressed. What’s the most annoying, however, is I’m not really sleepy. Tired, yes, but sleepy, no. I’m going to attempt to sleep when I’m done writing this blog. Hopefully, my medication will do its job and knock me out. Some nights, my insomnia is so bad that even Trazadone, Thorazine, and Benadryl aren’t enough to put me to sleep.
The main thing I wanted to write about before I forgot, is that I realized earlier today that Homecoming Games for high school football are coming up. That may mean nothing to most of you, but to me, it indicates the end of the summer and then end of a traumatic period in my life. I was in an abusive relationship years ago, and the guy broke up with me (I was too terrified to leave him) at the Homecoming Game. I always regret not warning the next girl, the one he left me for, about him. I don’t know if he treated her the same way, one can only assume he did… She was young and naive. We were seniors and she was a freshman. I wanted to protect her, but this guy still scared me, and does to this day, if I’m honest. He abused me in every way imaginable, which I will not go into for the sake of not triggering anyone. I really thought he was going to kill me one day. Maybe accidentally, but do it just the same. I got pregnant by him and because of the abuse, miscarried at 12 weeks. I would like to say it was for the better, but some days even I have a hard time believing that.
When I see the mums and feel the weather start to turn, it almost unconsciously cues my brain to stop being depressed. However, it does get worse before it gets better. These cues always cause some deterioration in the beginning, but then the trajectory starts to head up and out of the hole. I’ve been in this hole since April… that is when it starts. Because that is when the relationship started.
Now, I just need to manage to stay out of the hospital long enough to make it out to the other side. I am almost there. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s dim, but it is there. I’ve gotten close, really close, to needing to go back to the hospital. A week ago, I had been to the emergency room 3 times in the past week. I haven’t self-harmed in a week, at this point. The urges are really strong right now, which is another reason I need to try to sleep. If I sleep, I can sleep through the urge and not sit with it all night. If I have to sit with this all night, I’m not going to make it through the night without self-harming. If I don’t sleep, it will happen.
The demons are loud, the self-harm urges are loud, the suicidal thoughts are loud… it’s just loud right now. And I don’t really know anything else to do than try to sleep. I’m not entirely optimistic about attempting it, but I have to at least try. If I end up seeing the psychiatrist at PHP tomorrow, and I haven’t slept again, I don’t know what he will want to do. I saw him on Monday last week, but that was my first week in PHP and the doctor has to see you on your first day usually. I’m not sure if he will be there tomorrow or not.
It’s nearly 1:30 am now, and I’m still not really sleepy. I’ve gotten 5 hours of sleep in the last 40 hours. I need to at least rest. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I hate it when my brain does this. I hate it when I can’t sleep.
All I want is to be like a normal person. With everything going on with me lately, I feel like I’m poised on the edge of a precipice. One minor breeze will send me over the edge. But I can’t turn back either. I have to find a way across the gaping canyon. And the more and more I look at the canyon and the beauty on the other side, the more I am convinced I can fly. Even though I logically know that no normal person can fly. I feel like I’ve gone past the point of no return, and the choices are fly or fall, turning back is not an option and there isn’t a bridge in sight.
The meds aren’t working, I can’t sleep, I’m depressed and suicidal, I am hearing and seeing the demons and they are louder and more active than they have been, I’m dissociating and going catatonic… the list could go on.
One of my friends mentioned earlier today that I’m maintaining and not going off the deep end. I just need to remember that maintaining is not bad, in and of itself. Sometimes, it is all we can manage.
Thanks for coming by and reading, hope to see you again!