And to top it all off…

I’ve been having some sharp pain in my shoulder for a while now. I had a few shots into the joint, but they didn’t last very long at all. The last shot I got lasted all of two days. I called the doctor’s office, and the nurse practitioner that I see regularly decided to send me for an MRI of my shoulder.

I managed to get that done two days later, on Friday. First off, I hate closed-in spaces. I start to panic. Somehow, I still managed to stay still even in the middle of a panic attack. I almost squeezed the little ball they gave me that would signal them to come and get me out. I tried controlling my breathing and just counting my breaths when I would start to panic. It didn’t completely fix it, but it did make it manageable. That is all I could ask for at the time, really.

The appointment for the MRI was the last one on Friday; 4:30 pm. I was actually surprised when I got a call midday yesterday, from the doctor’s office. The nurse on the phone relayed that I have a possible tear in the glenoid labrum of my right shoulder. They are referring me to an orthopedist. Usually, when they refer out, it means you need surgery… I really hope I don’t. I really, really hope I don’t. I saw my mom go through a shoulder replacement, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I don’t know if I would even have surgery if they told me I needed it. That’s how much I don’t want to have shoulder surgery. Only having the use of one arm is not fun. I saw it with my mother. You are practically useless. Can’t get dressed, can’t prepare food or carry anything really, can’t pull up your own pants after using the restroom. It would be utterly humiliating having to have someone help me do everything. And I do mean everything.

I just have to make an appointment with the orthopedist, and see what they say. I also have a back up one, for a second opinion, if I need it.

With this, on top of everything else going on, I am so ready to just give up. I’m totally surprised I made it through the night without hurting myself. I didn’t sleep. The demons were too loud and I just couldn’t shut my brain off. Might have a little bit of mania or a mixed episode sneaking in there with the depression and psychosis. Satan wants me to kill myself and is using my demons to try to get me to do it. He is telling them what to say and do, and implanting images that are more than disturbing. I’m stronger than that, at least right now. I can withstand the onslaught that the evil forces are throwing at me. If it gets to the point that I can’t, I will go to the hospital. But I need to stay out of the hospital. I need to be able to go to and participate in class. It’s important that I be there. I’ve skipped one day because I was having a really hard day. I am tempted to skip today. I’m exhausted from not sleeping last night, and I have to go to HEB at some point today as well. Mom needs sodas, as well as a card and gift card for a friend. I just don’t know what I would tell mom for why I’m home early, or the excuse I would give the professor.

I’m just getting overwhelmed…

Thanks for reading and I hope to see you again soon!

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