I don’t even know where to start…

I haven’t posted in a really long time, and I apologize. There is a reason, and I’m going to do my best to fill you in. I hope I can get the whole thing out.

My stalker had come back. Mostly, he just followed me, but he did approach me once while I was sitting on the front porch at my house. Then on the night of October 15th, I needed to go get my mother gas before she went to work the next day, and I had put it off because I wasn’t able to sleep anyways. At about 3 AM, I took her car to the gas station, filled up her tank, and went inside to get a soda and a snack. He was there. He had followed me, even though I was in my mother’s car, and he had come inside the store, for whatever reason. To scare me, I guess.

I had finally had it. It was like a switch flipped inside my brain. I was done. My mother would be leaving for work 6 hours later. That is what I remember thinking. I don’t really remember leaving the gas station or going home. I do remember being at home and waiting for the sun to come up, then waiting for mom to wake up, then waiting for her to leave. Five pills at a time, I started to take an overdose of one of my medications. I emptied the bottle. Then I just sat on my porch, smoking cigarettes, waiting and thinking.

It was the thinking that got me. I started thinking about my friends.

I called for an ambulance. The firefighters got here first and took a set of vitals and all that jazz. My blood pressure was low and my pulse was high. By the time the ambulance got here, they were even lower and higher respectively. I was able to walk to the stretcher, with some assistance, and they didn’t stick around the house very long. I was taken to the hospital with lights and sirens going.

I ended up being in the ER for 24 hours and slept pretty much the whole time. I was transported to the psychiatric hospital the next day, in the morning. I ended up being there for 5 days, that time. When I was discharged, I started PHP again, and 3 days later ended up going back to inpatient. I was kept for 9 days before being discharged again and started PHP again. This time, I lasted for a week before I had to go back to the hospital. (In the middle of all of this, I dropped the class I was taking this semester. I hadn’t been since before the suicide attempt, and was too far behind.) The doctor there kept me for 12 days that time.

I’m still out of the hospital, a week and a half now. I did have a manic episode hit me after leaving the hospital, and the doctor at PHP (who happens to be the same doctor I saw in the hospital) made an adjustment last week. She basically told me to stop taking one of the antidepressants. I feel like I am coming down from that, so now we wait and see how far down I go.

And that is all I am going to be able to manage tonight… I do really hope you continue coming back.

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