Well…

We were still in Trauma IOP up until today. We started back in the partial hospitalization program today. We’ve been having more and more suicidal thoughts, and getting closer to acting on them. The therapist from the IOP asked, on more than one occasion, if we needed a higher level of care. We refused to go back inpatient, which we honestly think is what she would have been more comfortable with. She still advocated for what we wanted, though, when it came down to it.

Last week on Wednesday, we were literally at the top of a cliff, waiting for the other people to leave. This past weekend, we were counting pills and seeing if we had “enough.” We were honest with the IOP therapist after both.

Thursday, last week, when we checked in, we just wanted to get through it and be done. We sailed through our day in about 30 seconds, hoping she would miss the cliff part (?) or just not bring it up or something… that seemed to be the only thing she heard, honestly. She immediately asked about it, and the longer we were on the topic, the foggier the room got. The therapist could see we were slipping, and tried moving from asking us questions to having the other members of group talk to us, relating their experiences with suicidal thoughts. Check in that day took the whole day, because people had a lot to talk about, and we were the last one to check in (on purpose). By the end of it, we were barely holding on by a thread. The therapist held us after to talk, but we were too far gone to talk. We were semi-aware, we could hear, but everything else was completely gone. We heard her telling us she was there, and that she wasn’t going anywhere. We were hitting our head on the wall. She was still there. We were counting the ceiling tiles. Eventually, we started coming out of the dissociative state and into a massive panic attack. We were able to contract that we would be back in the morning, and she let us leave.

Coming back after the weekend, on Tuesday, we completely dissociated during check in. The therapist saw it a little too late. She saw us trying to hold on to what little bit of awareness we had. We couldn’t even say why we had dissociated, after the fact. Once group was over, we asked to talk to her, and told her we needed to step up to PHP. She said usually the clinic and the doctor want the patient to go into the hospital before going back into PHP. The IOP therapist said she would ask if I could just go straight to PHP, mainly because I was desperate to not go inpatient again. I would have just stayed in IOP and discharge at the beginning of next week, instead of going inpatient again. I guess because I’ve been in so many times, and also because of Covid-19, they decided that wasn’t necessary this time. She let me know yesterday what they had decided and I started PHP today.

The clinic, because of the coronavirus, is checking every patient’s temperature and doing a screening before they can go to the group rooms. We get it, everyone has to take precautions, these days. The clinic even discharged all the patients over 60 and those with preexisting conditions that put them at a higher risk of becoming seriously ill. But, so far, they are staying open. We don’t know how long we would survive if the clinic closed. We would not make it, we know that. The question is only how long…

So far, for right now, we are okay. We aren’t going to do anything tonight that would make it where we aren’t at PHP in the morning. We will be at PHP in the morning.

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