And I do mean massive…
So, my last blog appears to have been on July 4th. I apologize for that… there has been a lot going on in my neck of the woods. A LOT.
So, where do I even start… (First, there will be topics in this blog that are triggering and I cannot really TW them all. So this is the warning for them. If you are in a sensitive or precarious spot, please be careful and think before you continue reading.)
On July 22nd, I ended up in the ER for self harm, nothing more than normal for me. The doctor wanted the social worker to talk to me, though. Probably because I was quiet. (I wasn’t really saying much of anything, to be honest…) The social worker that was there that night knows me, and knows how I usually present to the ER. So, when she saw me, and with what the doctor had told her, the first words out of her mouth were, “How about inpatient?” I was not into that idea, and shook my head no, but she kept insisting, and pushing the issue. I think I said I would be fine, or something like that. Apparently she didn’t believe me… she walked away, and the doctor did her thing, closed me up, the whole reason I was there. A few minutes later, or so, I heard some talking toward the nurses station that sounded like it was about me. And then a guy saying, “Yea, I’ll go talk to her.” Next thing I know, I’m face to face with a police officer. Great. That led to getting court ordered into the hospital, for a few days, and I ended up staying until the 3rd of August. I had to go to a city funded hospital because of insurance reasons… I’m running low on coverage and it looked like I was out of covered days at first. Turns out I am just really, really low.
I started PHP through a different hospital than I had been doing it before on the 4th. I’d done outpatient with this hospital years ago, but they didn’t have a PHP at that time. The PHP there is 2 weeks, for 5 days a week, 9:30 AM to 2:30 PM. They use a Dialectical Behavior Therapy model in that PHP, and then when you are finished move you on to IOP that also teaches DBT, but more in depth.
On 8/14, a Friday, I had told the therapist I was suicidal and didn’t contract for safety right away. In the second therapy group, we talked about it, and went over the things that I know to do if I get to the point of wanting to attempt. I ended up telling the therapist that I would be safe for the weekend and that I would be back on Monday. That night, I ended up overdosing in the early morning hours, after getting in a fight with a friend of mine. I was trying to tell her that I was extremely suicidal and seriously contemplating it, and before I could completely get the actual words out, she said “I can’t help you, I’m busy, figure it out.” I read that as she didn’t care enough to take the time to listen to me and try to help. Not that she was with another friend and trying to focus on them, like she was literally saying. It was the “figure it out” that set me off. I went from 0 to 200 in 0.2 seconds. I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself even if I had tried. I couldn’t pause long enough to even try to use the skills that PHP was teaching. Or reteaching. I have done DBT before. I know the skills.
This overdose was bad. Worse than any of my previous attempts have ever been. I ended up in ICU. I drove myself to the ER after realizing what I had done, and what it would do to my friends. I know I should have just called an ambulance instead of driving, but I didn’t want to wake up the entire street with flashing lights at 4 AM. Cop cars, firetruck and an ambulance can make a lot of light. Especially when they are flashing. So I drove. The doctor that was in the ER knows me, and knew I don’t go in there for that kind of thing. He came into the room, and asked me what happened with this WTF look on his face. I couldn’t even answer him. I didn’t know what to say.
I remember about 30 minutes of being at the ER, and then it is either Sunday or Monday. I’m waking up, in restraints, psychotic. I hear someone say, “She’s still psychotic.” I was told later, when I was no longer psychotic, that they had to restrain me physically and chemically because I had tried to hit my sitter (the person watching me so that I don’t try to hurt myself again) and I tried to escape/run away, when they attempted to taper the restraint and remove the physical restraints the previous time. Once they were able to remove those from me, and I was able to mostly stand on my own, I was moved to a regular room and out of ICU.
On 8/20, I was moved to the psych facility that I had been at in July, but that only lasted 3 days. I started running a fever and was showing signs of a kidney infection. I didn’t tell the staff that I was having UTI symptoms, until the fever started. Which is my mistake. At that point, it was too late. I was having difficulty standing up to get to the restroom. I would get lightheaded and have to lie down again. Eventually I would have to just force myself to walk and hope I didn’t collapse on the way to the restroom. In that facility, the restrooms were more like public restrooms and then the rooms were just a bed in a room. On the 23rd, the provider at that facility decided to send me to the ER, when they couldn’t register my blood pressure on their vitals machine and my fever had hit 102 degrees Fahrenheit. They sent me via cab, to save me money, I assume. Which could have ended very badly.
When I got to the ER, the vitals machine in triage couldn’t register a blood pressure either. So they started walking me to a room. I had to stop, grab onto the wall, and I said, “Everything looks funny.” What I was describing by that was my vision had gone white and I was seeing floating colors in bands. I’ve been calling it a white-out. I don’t know what else to call it. They told me to stay there, and then the next thing I know, they are telling me to sit down. They had gotten a wheel chair and had it right behind me. They told me to just sit down. They got me to the room, onto the bed, and lying down, and then took my blood pressure. My vision was back by this point, so I think my blood pressure had come up some, but it was still 76/43 when they were finally able to get it.
Turns out that the kidney infection had turned septic (there were two bacteria involved and one was not pretty), and I needed to get IV antibiotics. So, I had to spend a few days in ICU, again, and then into a regular room again. I was in that hospital until 9/2, when I was transferred to a different psychiatric hospital, because the one I had come from was full.
I spent a week at the psych hospital, and they minimized my medications. Took me off 4 of my medications and lowered the antidepressant they kept me on. So I’m on 1 regular medication daily, 1 monthly shot, 1 vitamin, and 3 as-needed (PRN) medications. At least, for psychiatric medication.
I started PHP again on the 10th of September. And finished this time. On the 24th. I am supposed to start IOP this week, Monday or Tuesday. It’s supposed to be Monday, but I missed the phone call I needed to return and didn’t wake up until after 5 PM, so they were already closed for business for the weekend. So, I need to call first thing in the morning on Monday, and maybe they can still have me start Monday morning? The group starts at 10 AM, so if I call by 8, then maybe?
I’ve also followed up with my primary care physician and urologist, so far, since the overdose and kidney infection, but am still waiting on the neurologist appointment. It’s always a longer wait to get in to the neurologist. That appointment is on the 14th of October at the moment, unless they have a cancellation. I am on a waiting list for that. So now, we wait.
And… I think that is all. For now. I think I covered it all.
That turned out to not be as long as I thought it would be. LOL.