Recent Events…

I ended up in the psychiatric hospital again, on the 12th of December. I want to post about it, but I don’t want to start crying… mostly because I’m in public right now… I knew if I tried to write this blog at home, it would never get done. I’ve been trying to write it for a week now, and it just hasn’t happened.

It started with another suicide attempt, on the 11th. I overdosed again. This time, I did not call the ambulance, and I was not planning to call one. I waited for mom to leave for work, took the pills, and just sat there. The therapist at PHP called, because I hadn’t showed up, and I didn’t answer the phone. A little later, he called again, saying he was going to call my mom and then 911 for a welfare check. A few minutes later, I stepped outside for a cigarette, and there was already a police officer in front of my house. He had to have called them before he called me; there is no possible way that officer got there that fast. The officer came up to the porch while I was smoking a cigarette and just kind of asked some normal questions, stalling. He was waiting for the mental health officer to arrive. When she got there is when it all came out… she came up and introduced herself, asked a few questions, and then asked if I was having thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. I just nodded. She then asked if I’d already done anything. I nodded again. I was already falling asleep on the front porch in front of them, I was pretty sure they were going to take me to the ER anyway, even if I lied. So why lie? She asked what I had done, I just handed her the empty bottle, and she asked if it had been full. I nodded one more time. She actually thanked me for being honest with them, while the male officer radioed for an ambulance. I was in the ER for about 15 hours, and then an officer came to take me to the psych hospital. He transported me in his police car, in the back seat with handcuffs. First time I’ve ever been in the back seat of a cop car with handcuffs on… that was not fun or comfortable AT ALL…

I was in the hospital until the 19th, and then started PHP again on the 23rd. I took the day off for Christmas eve to go be with my Dad’s family and they were closed Christmas day, which I spent with my mom and a friend of mine. I did have PHP Thursday and Friday though. Next week, PHP is only closed Wednesday for New Year’s Day. I plan to go the other 4 days, but I have an appointment on Friday that I will have to leave for part of the day to make. So I will be there in the morning and then back in the afternoon.

I am going to try very hard to write more often. I hope to see you soon!

I don’t even know where to start…

I haven’t posted in a really long time, and I apologize. There is a reason, and I’m going to do my best to fill you in. I hope I can get the whole thing out.

My stalker had come back. Mostly, he just followed me, but he did approach me once while I was sitting on the front porch at my house. Then on the night of October 15th, I needed to go get my mother gas before she went to work the next day, and I had put it off because I wasn’t able to sleep anyways. At about 3 AM, I took her car to the gas station, filled up her tank, and went inside to get a soda and a snack. He was there. He had followed me, even though I was in my mother’s car, and he had come inside the store, for whatever reason. To scare me, I guess.

I had finally had it. It was like a switch flipped inside my brain. I was done. My mother would be leaving for work 6 hours later. That is what I remember thinking. I don’t really remember leaving the gas station or going home. I do remember being at home and waiting for the sun to come up, then waiting for mom to wake up, then waiting for her to leave. Five pills at a time, I started to take an overdose of one of my medications. I emptied the bottle. Then I just sat on my porch, smoking cigarettes, waiting and thinking.

It was the thinking that got me. I started thinking about my friends.

I called for an ambulance. The firefighters got here first and took a set of vitals and all that jazz. My blood pressure was low and my pulse was high. By the time the ambulance got here, they were even lower and higher respectively. I was able to walk to the stretcher, with some assistance, and they didn’t stick around the house very long. I was taken to the hospital with lights and sirens going.

I ended up being in the ER for 24 hours and slept pretty much the whole time. I was transported to the psychiatric hospital the next day, in the morning. I ended up being there for 5 days, that time. When I was discharged, I started PHP again, and 3 days later ended up going back to inpatient. I was kept for 9 days before being discharged again and started PHP again. This time, I lasted for a week before I had to go back to the hospital. (In the middle of all of this, I dropped the class I was taking this semester. I hadn’t been since before the suicide attempt, and was too far behind.) The doctor there kept me for 12 days that time.

I’m still out of the hospital, a week and a half now. I did have a manic episode hit me after leaving the hospital, and the doctor at PHP (who happens to be the same doctor I saw in the hospital) made an adjustment last week. She basically told me to stop taking one of the antidepressants. I feel like I am coming down from that, so now we wait and see how far down I go.

And that is all I am going to be able to manage tonight… I do really hope you continue coming back.

Please let this not be real…

I don’t want this to be real. I can’t really go into detail. Except that I took a Thorazine, and now I am waiting to see if it is real or not. The Thorazine always works, if it is psychosis, paranoia or hallucinations, so I have no doubt that if that is the case this time, it will take care of it. And if that is not the case this time, we will soon know. And we will probably soon be freaking out.

I’ve been having nightmares and dissociating for a few days now. I wasn’t sure why, and then I really started noticing things. I think my brain had been subconsciously noticing them since Friday, which is kind of when the dissociation started getting bad again. I barely spoke at PHP today, barely slept last night from the nightmares, didn’t sleep the night before and was in the ER for self-harm again. This time, it happened while I was dissociated.

I’m having such a hard time staying present right now. My brain keeps trying to go away. It’s just after 1 a.m., I should be in bed, but I am terrified of having more nightmares tonight. I don’t want to sleep. I’m scared to sleep. What if what is outside tries to come inside?

I took the Thorazine 20 minutes ago, and it is still there. It hasn’t budged, faded or otherwise shown any sign of being affected by the medicine. I’m gonna give a little longer to work before I officially freak the **** out, but I am headed that direction at this point…

And I spaced out…

I started this blog at 1 a.m., it is now 1:40 a.m. Where has the time gone? Nevermind, I know where it’s gone… into the abyss of dissociation because I am triggered beyond belief. I took the Thorazine right before starting to write this, right at about 1 a.m., so now 40 minutes ago, and it is still there. I guess it is really there, no matter how much I want it to be psychosis.

Now to just not have a panic attack. Thing is, this is completely logical, reasonable, and possible. The likelihood is not entirely known, but it is possible. It has happened, and been repeated, before, it’s just been a while. That’s why the likelihood is up in the air. Could it really be happening again? After this much time?


Aww, dammit… I guess that’s enough trying to not say it because I don’t want to scare my friends that read this. I’m not going to be able to sleep anyway, so saying it isn’t going to make my night any worse than it already it. I’m already having massive urges for self-harm and passive/semi-active suicidal thoughts (not planning on doing anything tonight, don’t worry, and I have PHP tomorrow morning).

So, a little history…  I was in an abusive relationship around 20 years ago. The abuse was horrendous and included mental, physical, and sexual abuse. The relationship happened over the summer and ended around this time of year. After it ended, he stalked me for some time and would have some of his friends also follow me around when he couldn’t or to make me think he wasn’t there or something. Then he stopped stalking me, for a couple years. All of a sudden, he was back, two years later, and he had people following me again, also. And so it happened, every now and then, I would get stalked for a few weeks to a couple months and then it would just stop. There would be no telling when or if they would start up again. It’s been about 8 years or so since they last followed me. Usually, it’s around the end of the school year or this time of year when it happens, both of which are significant.

So, I noticed this morning on the way to PHP that there was a car behind me the entire way. Out of habit, I lost them with a few quick turns in a neighborhood, because they weren’t too close behind, before pulling into PHP. It’s sad that after 8 years, I still remember my instincts… The reason I took the Thorazine tonight… the same car is sitting parked across the street, a few houses down. I don’t see anyone in it, but I had to be sure that the car itself was real. Well, now I know.

I don’t know if I can handle another round of this… I thought I was done with this. It had been 8 years, why now?

Well, it’s the middle of the night…

… and I’ll give you three guesses.

Number OneI can’t sleep.

Well done!

Number Two I want to self-harm.

You’re two for two…

Number ThreeI’m sitting on my front porch, writing again.

Got ’em all!!!


I’m not sure if writing is really going to prevent me from hurting myself, but it will at least postpone it. Maybe long enough that I can just go to bed… that’s the hope anyway.

I want to make it through the weekend and go back to PHP having not hurt myself. That’s the goal right now.

I was feeling good for most of last week. Then the weekend hit, and I crashed. I slept most of Saturday. Mom woke me up at 4:30pm, saying dinner would be ready in 15 minutes. I was completely confused. I didn’t understand how it was so late. We ate dinner, then I took a 3 hr nap and got up at 9pm. I went to bed again around midnight or 1am. I was really only out of bed for around 6 hours on Saturday…

I’ve been working on school work for most of today, with breaks thrown in. I got two assignments done and turned in. There’s only one more that was due Tuesday, but I’m not going to be able to finish it in time. I’m just happy I got the other two done, and can start working on the last one tomorrow, hopefully. I want to have something started when I go to class on Tuesday. I’ve been stressing out over this class for a while now. I feel like I’m so far behind but I know that there are others in the class that are in the same boat I am, if not farther behind. I just can’t help but feel like I am going to fail, even though I have a high B with what has been graded so far. My brain keeps telling me I am doing horribly, that I am not a good artist and I should just give up.

That’s just my self-esteem trying to get the best of me. I’m not going to let it win, not this time. I’m going to keep going, and I’m going to keep trying, and I’m going to get this degree and get a job in this field. So there.

Thanks for reading and I hope to see you again soon!

Best Quotes Encouragement Funny Faith 70+ Ideas

Found Here


 

I apologize for not writing sooner. The partial hospitalization program and school, together, have been kicking my butt. Those, plus other appointments getting squeezed in as best I can, I’ve barely had time to sleep, it seems. I want to write at least a couple times a week and I’ve been seriously failing at that. I need to get on the ball…

At the moment, I’m sitting on my front porch, enjoying a slight breeze, listening to rock ballads from my day.  That makes me sound old… I’m not old. I’m 36 years old. Call Me by Shinedown is currently playing. It played Skillet earlier, and Three Days Grace. So not really too old stuff, just not too current either. Back when music actually had meaning and wasn’t all about drugs and sex. Sure, some of it was, but even those songs were more than all drugs and sex. There was still a point to the lyrics.

The only bad part about sitting out here is the bugs. They are attracted to the porch light and the light from the screen of my laptop. And for some reason, tend to fly at my face… I wish there were a way to create a world without bugs. Not possible, I know… bugs serve a purpose. They all do something for the ecosystem in one way or another. Just getting rid of an entire species of insect could offset the balance in a way that we couldn’t even really understand yet.

I digress. I had a point I wanted to talk about when I started writing and music and bugs are not it.

So, let me get to my point…

The medicine seems to be working. I’m not depressed. I’m not psychotic. Well, I can kind of hear the demons talking but it’s so quiet that I can’t make out any of the words, and I’m not seeing them at all. So, I don’t count that as psychotic, compared to where I was. I’m past thinking that Satan is trying to influence me into killing myself.

My mood started getting better when the doctor added a mood stabilizer and then got even better when he changed one of my antidepressants. The only thing that worries me is that I have been itching for a week and a half, and that is about how long I have been on the new antidepressant. I’ve taken it before, a while back, and didn’t have a reaction to it then, so it’s possible I’m reacting to something else.

The nurse at PHP mentioned that my seasonal allergies could be making me itch, that that happens sometimes. I’ve also recently had to change laundry detergent, and that change could just now be catching up to me. The new one is still perfume- and dye-free, but I may just not be able to use that brand. We bought some of the kind that I used to get, but they stopped making it in powder, so we had to get liquid. I’ve never used liquid detergent, so here comes a bit of a learning curve. I have to do laundry tomorrow.

I haven’t been depressed for over a week and it feels good. I’ve only self-harmed once in the last 18 days. Which for me is amazing! I self-harmed on the 8th and then the 22nd. Thirteen days in between without a trip to the emergency room. One of the goals for my treatment plan for PHP was to go 2 weeks straight without needing to go to the emergency room for self-harm. The therapist was nervous about that one because he didn’t want the goal to prevent me from going if I needed to go. I was able to reassure him that I wouldn’t let it do that. As shone by going to the ER on the 13th day. I am still proud of those 13 days!

I guess I’m just worried that the psychiatrist is going to have to take me off the new antidepressant because of the itching, even though it is working really well. I really don’t want to have to change it to something else, that may not work as well, if at all. It’s so hard to find medications that work for me, and that keep working for a while. That’s part of the reason I lose hope a lot of the time. The meds never keep working for very long. Then finding a medication combination that does work is near impossible. When we finally do, it stops working after a while, too. I’ve always been like this. Treatment-resistant.

On top of all of that on my mind, I am slightly behind in my class. I have 2 little assignments and one larger assignment that need to be done by Tuesday. It’s okay if I haven’t finished all 3, but I really need to try.

And on that note, I’m going to call this blog done… thanks for reading and I hope to see you again!

And to top it all off…

I’ve been having some sharp pain in my shoulder for a while now. I had a few shots into the joint, but they didn’t last very long at all. The last shot I got lasted all of two days. I called the doctor’s office, and the nurse practitioner that I see regularly decided to send me for an MRI of my shoulder.

I managed to get that done two days later, on Friday. First off, I hate closed-in spaces. I start to panic. Somehow, I still managed to stay still even in the middle of a panic attack. I almost squeezed the little ball they gave me that would signal them to come and get me out. I tried controlling my breathing and just counting my breaths when I would start to panic. It didn’t completely fix it, but it did make it manageable. That is all I could ask for at the time, really.

The appointment for the MRI was the last one on Friday; 4:30 pm. I was actually surprised when I got a call midday yesterday, from the doctor’s office. The nurse on the phone relayed that I have a possible tear in the glenoid labrum of my right shoulder. They are referring me to an orthopedist. Usually, when they refer out, it means you need surgery… I really hope I don’t. I really, really hope I don’t. I saw my mom go through a shoulder replacement, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I don’t know if I would even have surgery if they told me I needed it. That’s how much I don’t want to have shoulder surgery. Only having the use of one arm is not fun. I saw it with my mother. You are practically useless. Can’t get dressed, can’t prepare food or carry anything really, can’t pull up your own pants after using the restroom. It would be utterly humiliating having to have someone help me do everything. And I do mean everything.

I just have to make an appointment with the orthopedist, and see what they say. I also have a back up one, for a second opinion, if I need it.

With this, on top of everything else going on, I am so ready to just give up. I’m totally surprised I made it through the night without hurting myself. I didn’t sleep. The demons were too loud and I just couldn’t shut my brain off. Might have a little bit of mania or a mixed episode sneaking in there with the depression and psychosis. Satan wants me to kill myself and is using my demons to try to get me to do it. He is telling them what to say and do, and implanting images that are more than disturbing. I’m stronger than that, at least right now. I can withstand the onslaught that the evil forces are throwing at me. If it gets to the point that I can’t, I will go to the hospital. But I need to stay out of the hospital. I need to be able to go to and participate in class. It’s important that I be there. I’ve skipped one day because I was having a really hard day. I am tempted to skip today. I’m exhausted from not sleeping last night, and I have to go to HEB at some point today as well. Mom needs sodas, as well as a card and gift card for a friend. I just don’t know what I would tell mom for why I’m home early, or the excuse I would give the professor.

I’m just getting overwhelmed…

Thanks for reading and I hope to see you again soon!

Loud Inside my Head

_Muito alto_

Found Here


It is really loud to me right now. The demons are coming at me full force. Probably from lack of sleep. I didn’t sleep last night at all and only got a 5-hour nap in during the day. They tend to get louder when I’m really tired or really stressed. What’s the most annoying, however, is I’m not really sleepy. Tired, yes, but sleepy, no. I’m going to attempt to sleep when I’m done writing this blog. Hopefully, my medication will do its job and knock me out. Some nights, my insomnia is so bad that even Trazadone, Thorazine, and Benadryl aren’t enough to put me to sleep.

The main thing I wanted to write about before I forgot, is that I realized earlier today that Homecoming Games for high school football are coming up. That may mean nothing to most of you, but to me, it indicates the end of the summer and the end of a traumatic period in my life. I was in an abusive relationship years ago, and the guy broke up with me (I was too terrified to leave him) at the Homecoming Game. I always regret not warning the next girl, the one he left me for, about him. I don’t know if he treated her the same way, one can only assume he did… She was young and naive. We were seniors and she was a freshman. I wanted to protect her, but this guy still scared me, and does to this day, if I’m honest. He abused me in every way imaginable, which I will not go into for the sake of not triggering anyone. I really thought he was going to kill me one day. Maybe accidentally, but do it just the same. I got pregnant by him and because of the abuse, miscarried at 12 weeks. I would like to say it was for the better, but some days even I have a hard time believing that.

When I see the mums and feel the weather start to turn, it almost unconsciously cues my brain to stop being depressed. However, it does get worse before it gets better. These cues always cause some deterioration in the beginning, but then the trajectory starts to head up and out of the hole. I’ve been in this hole since April… that is when it starts. Because that is when the relationship started.

Now, I just need to manage to stay out of the hospital long enough to make it out to the other side. I am almost there. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s dim, but it is there. I’ve gotten close, really close, to needing to go back to the hospital. A week ago, I had been to the emergency room 3 times in the past week. I haven’t self-harmed in a week, at this point. The urges are really strong right now, which is another reason I need to try to sleep. If I sleep, I can sleep through the urge and not sit with it all night. If I have to sit with this all night, I’m not going to make it through the night without self-harming. If I don’t sleep, it will happen.

The demons are loud, the self-harm urges are loud, the suicidal thoughts are loud… it’s just loud right now. And I don’t really know anything else to do than try to sleep. I’m not entirely optimistic about attempting it, but I have to at least try. If I end up seeing the psychiatrist at PHP tomorrow, and I haven’t slept again, I don’t know what he will want to do. I saw him on Monday last week, but that was my first week in PHP and the doctor has to see you on your first day usually. I’m not sure if he will be there tomorrow or not.

It’s nearly 1:30 am now, and I’m still not really sleepy. I’ve gotten 5 hours of sleep in the last 40 hours. I need to at least rest. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I hate it when my brain does this. I hate it when I can’t sleep.

All I want is to be like a normal person. With everything going on with me lately, I feel like I’m poised on the edge of a precipice. One minor breeze will send me over the edge. But I can’t turn back either. I have to find a way across the gaping canyon. And the more and more I look at the canyon and the beauty on the other side, the more I am convinced I can fly. Even though I logically know that no normal person can fly. I feel like I’ve gone past the point of no return, and the choices are fly or fall, turning back is not an option and there isn’t a bridge in sight.

The meds aren’t working, I can’t sleep, I’m depressed and suicidal, I am hearing and seeing the demons and they are louder and more active than they have been, I’m dissociating and going catatonic… the list could go on.

One of my friends mentioned earlier today that I’m maintaining and not going off the deep end. I just need to remember that maintaining is not bad, in and of itself. Sometimes, it is all we can manage.

Thanks for coming by and reading, hope to see you again!