I ended up in the psychiatric hospital again, on the 12th of December. I want to post about it, but I don’t want to start crying… mostly because I’m in public right now… I knew if I tried to write this blog at home, it would never get done. I’ve been trying to write it for a week now, and it just hasn’t happened.
It started with another suicide attempt, on the 11th. I overdosed again. This time, I did not call the ambulance, and I was not planning to call one. I waited for mom to leave for work, took the pills, and just sat there. The therapist at PHP called, because I hadn’t showed up, and I didn’t answer the phone. A little later, he called again, saying he was going to call my mom and then 911 for a welfare check. A few minutes later, I stepped outside for a cigarette, and there was already a police officer in front of my house. He had to have called them before he called me; there is no possible way that officer got there that fast. The officer came up to the porch while I was smoking a cigarette and just kind of asked some normal questions, stalling. He was waiting for the mental health officer to arrive. When she got there is when it all came out… she came up and introduced herself, asked a few questions, and then asked if I was having thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. I just nodded. She then asked if I’d already done anything. I nodded again. I was already falling asleep on the front porch in front of them, I was pretty sure they were going to take me to the ER anyway, even if I lied. So why lie? She asked what I had done, I just handed her the empty bottle, and she asked if it had been full. I nodded one more time. She actually thanked me for being honest with them, while the male officer radioed for an ambulance. I was in the ER for about 15 hours, and then an officer came to take me to the psych hospital. He transported me in his police car, in the back seat with handcuffs. First time I’ve ever been in the back seat of a cop car with handcuffs on… that was not fun or comfortable AT ALL…
I was in the hospital until the 19th, and then started PHP again on the 23rd. I took the day off for Christmas eve to go be with my Dad’s family and they were closed Christmas day, which I spent with my mom and a friend of mine. I did have PHP Thursday and Friday though. Next week, PHP is only closed Wednesday for New Year’s Day. I plan to go the other 4 days, but I have an appointment on Friday that I will have to leave for part of the day to make. So I will be there in the morning and then back in the afternoon.
I am going to try very hard to write more often. I hope to see you soon!