Loud Inside my Head

_Muito alto_

Found Here


It is really loud to me right now. The demons are coming at me full force. Probably from lack of sleep. I didn’t sleep last night at all and only got a 5-hour nap in during the day. They tend to get louder when I’m really tired or really stressed. What’s the most annoying, however, is I’m not really sleepy. Tired, yes, but sleepy, no. I’m going to attempt to sleep when I’m done writing this blog. Hopefully, my medication will do its job and knock me out. Some nights, my insomnia is so bad that even Trazadone, Thorazine, and Benadryl aren’t enough to put me to sleep.

The main thing I wanted to write about before I forgot, is that I realized earlier today that Homecoming Games for high school football are coming up. That may mean nothing to most of you, but to me, it indicates the end of the summer and the end of a traumatic period in my life. I was in an abusive relationship years ago, and the guy broke up with me (I was too terrified to leave him) at the Homecoming Game. I always regret not warning the next girl, the one he left me for, about him. I don’t know if he treated her the same way, one can only assume he did… She was young and naive. We were seniors and she was a freshman. I wanted to protect her, but this guy still scared me, and does to this day, if I’m honest. He abused me in every way imaginable, which I will not go into for the sake of not triggering anyone. I really thought he was going to kill me one day. Maybe accidentally, but do it just the same. I got pregnant by him and because of the abuse, miscarried at 12 weeks. I would like to say it was for the better, but some days even I have a hard time believing that.

When I see the mums and feel the weather start to turn, it almost unconsciously cues my brain to stop being depressed. However, it does get worse before it gets better. These cues always cause some deterioration in the beginning, but then the trajectory starts to head up and out of the hole. I’ve been in this hole since April… that is when it starts. Because that is when the relationship started.

Now, I just need to manage to stay out of the hospital long enough to make it out to the other side. I am almost there. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s dim, but it is there. I’ve gotten close, really close, to needing to go back to the hospital. A week ago, I had been to the emergency room 3 times in the past week. I haven’t self-harmed in a week, at this point. The urges are really strong right now, which is another reason I need to try to sleep. If I sleep, I can sleep through the urge and not sit with it all night. If I have to sit with this all night, I’m not going to make it through the night without self-harming. If I don’t sleep, it will happen.

The demons are loud, the self-harm urges are loud, the suicidal thoughts are loud… it’s just loud right now. And I don’t really know anything else to do than try to sleep. I’m not entirely optimistic about attempting it, but I have to at least try. If I end up seeing the psychiatrist at PHP tomorrow, and I haven’t slept again, I don’t know what he will want to do. I saw him on Monday last week, but that was my first week in PHP and the doctor has to see you on your first day usually. I’m not sure if he will be there tomorrow or not.

It’s nearly 1:30 am now, and I’m still not really sleepy. I’ve gotten 5 hours of sleep in the last 40 hours. I need to at least rest. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I hate it when my brain does this. I hate it when I can’t sleep.

All I want is to be like a normal person. With everything going on with me lately, I feel like I’m poised on the edge of a precipice. One minor breeze will send me over the edge. But I can’t turn back either. I have to find a way across the gaping canyon. And the more and more I look at the canyon and the beauty on the other side, the more I am convinced I can fly. Even though I logically know that no normal person can fly. I feel like I’ve gone past the point of no return, and the choices are fly or fall, turning back is not an option and there isn’t a bridge in sight.

The meds aren’t working, I can’t sleep, I’m depressed and suicidal, I am hearing and seeing the demons and they are louder and more active than they have been, I’m dissociating and going catatonic… the list could go on.

One of my friends mentioned earlier today that I’m maintaining and not going off the deep end. I just need to remember that maintaining is not bad, in and of itself. Sometimes, it is all we can manage.

Thanks for coming by and reading, hope to see you again!

Going Catatonic and Other Recent Events

According to the DSM-5, at least three out of twelve symptoms must be present for a diagnosis of catatonia. These symptoms include:

  • Stupor (oblivious inability to move or respond to stimuli), catalepsy (rigid body posture)
  • Mutism (little to no verbal communication)
  • Waxy flexibility (body remains in whatever position it is placed by another)
  • Negativism (lack of verbal response)
  • Posturing (holding a posture or position that goes against gravity)
  • Mannerisms (extreme or odd movements and mannerisms)
  • Stereotypy (frequent repetitive movements for no reason)
  • Agitation (for no reason), grimacing (distorted facial expressions)
  • Echolalia (repeating others’ words)
  • Echopraxia (repeating others’ movements)

Retrieved from Here


 

I was in IOP, until Friday. Tuesday night, I ended up in the emergency room for stitches around 3 am. When I told the therapist at IOP on Thursday, she was extremely concerned. We agreed at that point, however, that IOP was still working. Thursday night, I had a massive crying fit and was obsessing over suicide for hours before I was finally able to fall asleep. At the end of group on Friday, I told the IOP therapist that I thought it was time to step up to PHP… Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be in PHP. It makes my schedule extremely cramped and I had to take a break from physical therapy just to make it work. I already have to leave early two days a week for school.

Over the weekend, I ended up in the ER again for more stitches…

I started PHP again on Monday. That day went okay, nothing really out of the ordinary or strange. Yesterday, however, there were issues. During the last part of the morning, the discussion turned to suicide and I found myself unable to move or speak or respond with more than a movement of my head. And even that was difficult. I was aware, I wasn’t dissociated. I could hear everything that was being said, I just couldn’t participate in any way and was just staring off into space at nothing. The therapist asked if I was okay, and I was able to kind of snap out of it for a moment and nod yes. He asked if there was anything they could do to help, and I shook my head. At that point, I just wanted the attention off of me. He eventually went back to the discussion, and I went back to being catatonic. At some point, he asked me a question, trying to pull me into the discussion. I just kinda sat there and stared at him. He asked me if the topic of the discussion was causing me to go catatonic, and I shook my head no, even though it technically was the topic.

At the end of group every day, the therapist checks in with each of us about suicidality and homicidality. When he got to me, I struggled to give an answer… I just nodded at the question. He knows I never have homicidal thoughts, that my harmful thoughts are always aimed at myself. He asked me if the catatonia is often related to an increase in suicidal thoughts, and I nodded.

It is.

When I obsess over suicide or self harm, I am usually in a catatonic state of some degree. And when I was catatonic in group, I was obsessing… a lot. I didn’t want to tell him that, though. I didn’t want to admit that I was imagining being at the top of the cliff next to the Pennybacker Bridge, standing at the edge. Knowing that I had sent my goodbyes to my friends and that none of them knew where I was and none of them could figure out where I was in time.  Imagining how the wind would feel up that high, and how the wind would feel as I started to fall. The image in my mind goes the entire way, all the way to the end. Even the graphic image of hitting the rocks… and what my body would look like when I was found and pulled back up to the road. What my friends and family would think and feel, and how they would react. I know it would hurt them, but there are times that even that is not enough to keep the images from coming forefront in my mind. Even that is not enough to keep me from counting pills and seeing if I have enough for the backup plan.

At this point, though, it is just obsessing. There is no intent to do anything. And that is the difference between being allowed to leave PHP for the day and not. The therapist would still let me leave if I had mild intent, but I could contract for safety and agree to be there the next day of group. He has in the past. He has always said that he will not force me to go to the hospital. He wants it to be my decision, not his. He doesn’t want to take that power from me. He knows my history of trauma and being controlled, and does not want to perpetuate that trauma by taking away my ability to control whether I go to the hospital or not.

I have been committed once, and trust me, it was not a pleasant experience. Being put on a 72-hour police order of emergency protection was humiliating. It was like being told I couldn’t take care of myself, that I wasn’t an adult with the free will to make choices, that I needed someone to make choices for me because I was literally incapable of knowing what was best for me. After the hold was over, and I was no longer angry about being forced to be in the hospital in the first place, I agreed to sign the paperwork to be there voluntarily. That didn’t take away that fact that I was forced to be there in the first place and had no choice about when I could leave. If I asked to leave, they would have just taken me to court. It wasn’t worth it.

So, since yesterday’s events in PHP and going catatonic while in group, I have been in and out of catatonia. In and out of obsessing. I haven’t slept. I had to go to the ER again, this time they gave me staples. So now I have two sets of stitches and one set of staples. I have been to the ER on the 4th, then the 8th, and the 11th. All in the early morning hours. The stitches I can take out on my own when their 10 days are up, but the staples I have to make an appointment with my primary care physician to get them out. I am not looking forward to that, at all. He worries… and he isn’t shy about letting me know he is concerned.

Another part of this whole situation that is bothering me is that the PHP therapist and I went over my treatment plan yesterday… one of the goals on it is to go two full weeks without going to the emergency room for self harm. He made sure to say that he didn’t want that to keep me from going if I needed to go, just because I wanted to complete the goal. But we just went over it yesterday, and I have already failed. The night after we talked about it, I ended up in the ER… again… I wish I could just stop. I wish I could just not do it. But it’s not that easy. It’s never been that easy.

It’s about 6 am now, and I’m planning on going to the morning AA meeting and then heading to PHP. I need to grab something to eat for breakfast. When I was leaving the ER, I had to decide between Waffle House or a 24-hour coffee shop in town. I went to the coffee shop, so I haven’t had food yet. So, I’m gonna call it, and go find food. Thanks for reading and I hope you come back again!

Anxiety and Stress

There are changes happening for me, right now.

I started IOP on Friday. The regular therapist was out, and there was a substitute that day. So come Tuesday, I’m going to have to deal with “first-day jitters” again since I haven’t met the actual therapist of the group yet. Also, the sub therapist was concerned about my sleep issues and mentioned that I may need to step up to PHP for a bit. She said that they would see how the weekend went. Well, last night (Saturday night), I didn’t sleep at all. I had a four-hour nap this afternoon, and it’s now a little after 1 am and I am wide awake, sitting on the front porch, blogging. It doesn’t really look like I will be sleeping tonight either. However, I have time to nap tomorrow, if I need to.

I really hope they don’t want to put me in PHP. I don’t really have the time to devote to five days a week, from 10 am to 3 pm. Especially with my class starting on Tuesday… That is the other big change that is causing anxiety and stress for me at the moment. I haven’t been to school since 2017 when I graduated with my Associate’s Degree in Social Work from the local community college. I’m going back to the same school for another Associate’s Degree, this time in Video Game Design, with a focus on Game Art. The class starts at 3 pm, Tuesday and Thursday, and has a lab right after, that goes until 5:40 pm. The length of the class isn’t that bad, actually. Once I get there, I’ll be fine, and I’ll get used to it and fall into the hang of things pretty quickly. The main concern is if they put me in PHP, I will have to leave early just to get to class, and I will be going from early morning until the evening. Especially if I go to my morning AA meeting before the group like I prefer to do. The class is “2D Design for Video Games.” I think I’m really going to enjoy it.

I’m just worrying a lot, jumping to conclusions that are most likely not going to come true. There are a ton of “what if’s” going through my head lately. “What if they put me in PHP?” “What if I can’t make myself go to class?” “What if I’m not good at this?” “What if I fail the class?” “What if…?” I could go on ad infinitum. That’s my M.O. Worrying that the worst possible outcome is going to happen. All the time. Or going from making one little mistake to I’m dead in a ditch in the middle of nowhere, in 3 seconds flat. There’s also the “always” or “never” thoughts. “I’m never going to get this…” “I always fuck things up…” “I’m never going to be able to get a real job and move out of my mom’s house and get away from the abuse…” All of these are examples of thought distortions or thinking errors. They are one of the things that CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, teaches about. The first two are examples of catastrophizing and the last one is black and white thinking.

That is actually one of the things we went over in IOP on Friday. They had learned about it earlier in the week and she did a review of the stuff they had learned. We then looked at mindfulness for the weekend. The substitute therapist gave us a long list of mindfulness exercises, things to do, and asked that we pick one of the items on the list to do between Friday and Tuesday when we come back to the group. I chose to color mindfully. I have several adult coloring books. I picked one that has inspirational quotes on each page with the designs; the designs are pretty intricate, and I’m not going to be able to finish the page before Tuesday like I wanted, but I’m going to at least try to get more done on it. She said we were to report back to the regular therapist on Tuesday what we did over the weekend for the mindfulness assignment.

Tomorrow, all I have scheduled is an individual therapy appointment at 4 pm and a meeting with my sponsor, right after, at 5:15 pm. My mom is tutoring a couple boys in the house in the evening, so I need to either vacate the premises or hide in my room the entire time they are here. I always choose to leave; it’s just easier. So after I meet with my sponsor, I’m going to hang out up at the AA club until mom is done tutoring the boys, and then head home around 7 pm. I hate not being able to just come and go as I please, but I understand I would distract the boys if I were just walking in and out all the time. So I leave out of courtesy.

One good thing, lately, is I started playing a new video game; an MMORPG. Final Fantasy XIV. I’ve had it since Christmas, but never installed it on my computer for some reason. One of the girls I met in the hospital plays it and invited me to play with her and her friends. I’m really enjoying it. I’ve played World of Warcraft for a while now, but I’ve really gotten kind of tired of it lately. A little worn out with the same old storyline, over and over, with different characters. Having new content that I’ve never experienced, never played through, is amazing. I love it! It’s only been 4 days and my main character is level 18. I know that is slow for some people but for me, that’s really fast. I don’t normally play non-stop like I have been lately. With the not sleeping and having days off, with nothing to do really, I’ve been able to play pretty much all day for several days. Don’t get me wrong, I have taken breaks. Technically, I’m taking a break right now. The entire time I was at IOP on Friday, I was thinking about how I wanted to be playing instead of sitting in the group. It was pitiful, honestly…

Well, it is nearly 2 am now, so I am going to call this edition of my blog finished. Thanks for reading and I hope you come back again!

the darkness (VICTORIOUS)

the darkness comes creeping,

seeping in through every pore.

slowly taking over my mind,

body,

soul.

I try to fight the inevitable,

the never-ending downward spiral.

this darkness,

it takes away

all motivation,

all energy,

all ability to defend myself in battle.

if I cannot put up an adequate defense,

it is free to do

as it pleases;

free to do whatever

it wants with me.

the darkness has control.

it commands me to jump,

I ask, “how high, master?”

it commands me to cut myself,

I ask, “how deep, master?”

it commands me to kill myself,

I ask, “how would you like me to do it, master?”

I am completely unable

to deny the darkness

of its desires.

whatever it wants,

it gets.

whether I want it,

or not…

the darkness is in charge.

I have no right

to tell it no.

or so it feels,

in the moment.

it tells me to stay in bed,

skip that appointment,

skip that class,

ignore that text or phone call,

they don’t really care,

after all.

but a sense of obligation

and responsibility

keeps me out of bed,

at my appointments

and in my classes.

and after a while,

if I ignore the messages long enough,

people will be breaking down my door.

so, I answer that text and return that call.

the more I do,

the more I try,

the easier it becomes

to fight the darkness the next day.

with the help of those around me,

I may even be able to defeat it,

eventually.

not today,

probably not tomorrow;

it will take time

and a great deal of work.

but as long as I have

a gang of fellow fighters,

willing to back me up,

in my corner,

I will take out the darkness.

I will win this war.

I’ve lost several of the battles,

but small defeats mean nothing

in the end

when you are VICTORIOUS!

And I’m free!

I got released from the psychiatric hospital on the 19th of this month. I was inpatient since the 8th. The stay wasn’t awful, just a little aggravating at times. There were some “annoying people” issues this stay…

They adjusted two of my medications, and I’m feeling a lot better at the moment. I am not letting myself get my hopes up that it’s going to last forever. I know my body. Meds never works forever… They just don’t.

I’m still hearing whispers and mumbles, but I can’t out what the demons are saying anymore. Also, I’m still seeing the demons, but they are more transparent than anything else. Kinda of like ghosts… They aren’t moving around like they were either. My mood is much better, too. I’m actually in a good mood. I might be a little manic, though.

When I was released from the hospital, I went straight to a music store and bought a ukelele and a guitar. I ended up spending $240 there. Overall, that day, I spent $330 total. I also want to re-dye my hair soon, possibly later today or tomorrow. I wanted my hairdresser to do it but I can’t wait long enough to go see him. I’m poor right now, because of the music store mostly, and can’t afford to make a hair appointment until next month.

I start IOP, intensive outpatient program, on Friday this week at the same place as last time. I’m also starting a new class next week on Tuesday at the local community college, for a video game design degree, with a specialization in game art. The class is 2D design, and I’m really looking forward to it. The doctor at the hospital asked what’s going to keep me out of the hospital this time, and I told her my motivation to get through this class. I’m going to be busy for a while, but busy is good sometimes…

I hope y’all are doing well and that you are having a good day so far!

Going Incommunicado for a Bit

I’m going to be going into the psych hospital again in a few hours… The depression and psychosis has become too much to handle. I need to get my medication straight faster than is possible in an outpatient setting. My class at the community college starts on the 27th of this month. Sometimes, I end up being in the hospital for 2 weeks. I need to be “fixed” in time to start my class. I need to be able to go to class and not be psychotic and suicidal every day.

It’s not just the psychosis, though. The depression is out of control at this point. In combination with the demons, it’s become life or death, literally. Unfortunately…

It’s not just not taking my meds anymore, although that is still an intermittent issue. The demons are extremely insistent, at this point, that I deserve to die, for multiple reasons that I am not going to repeat. They are commanding that I go to the cliff. The cliff is the ultimate plan of suicide for me. A particular cliff. I have my reasons for that specific one… they aren’t really important. I’m having a strong urge to just drive by the cliff on my way to the hospital… I know that’s a stupid thing to do, but that’s what my brain is telling me to do.

So I’m going to go to my morning AA meeting at 7:30 am, and then call the hospital admissions and start the process of getting an assessment for inpatient. With this hospital, you call, answer a few questions over the phone, set up a time that you will be able to get there, and then get there for the assessment. They are going to take my phone so I won’t be able to post anything while I’m in the hospital. Hence the incommunicado…

See you on the other side…

The picture below is something I drew while I couldn’t sleep last night. I drew it on my Wacom Bamboo Slate. I’m just now learning how to use it. I like it so far…

Well…

My insurance did it. My time with PHP is over tomorrow. I’m completely not ready. I wasn’t able to take my meds until 4:30 pm, after taking two doses of Thorazine and one dose of my antianxiety medicine. I was at least able to take them, by myself at that.

I just don’t understand how the insurance can make them discharge me from PHP and put me in IOP (intensive outpatient program), which is less days for less hours, when I am still having trouble taking my meds by myself, when I’m still having severe psychosis nearly 24 hrs a day, when I am still suicidal with a plan and having some intent to act on that plan on a daily basis. How can the insurance think that I’ll do better in a less intensive program? With less support? I won’t have the nurse to help me with my meds anymore. That’s going to be all on me, if I can make myself take them. That’s a big if at this point… I don’t want to go back to the hospital, but it seems like that’s what may end up happening if I can’t figure out how to take my meds regularly and let them do their job. The meds haven’t had a chance to build up in my system enough to work, or to see if they are going to work. I’m just so tired of feeling this depressed and suicidal all the time… I wish I could give up… I wish I could just do it, sometimes…

The only thing that keeps me from acting on the suicidal thoughts is my friends. I can’t do that to them. At least right now… Right now, my friends and their feelings and reactions are enough to keep me putting one foot in front of the other, even though I’m completely miserable on a daily basis.

The plan, as of right now, is to step down into day IOP. That program is Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday from 10 am to 1 pm. I have been going Monday through Friday from 10 am to 3 pm, for PHP. Day IOP is supposedly more open processing, and less teaching than the PHP, which should be okay. I know I can’t just stop going to group altogether. I need to step down into an IOP. One of the only good parts of stepping down is going less days a week and having more time to do things and have appointments and such. I’ve been feeling like a chicken with its head cut off lately, running from one thing to the next, with no breaks in between. I actually completely blanked on individual therapy today, which I was supposed to have after PHP. I just headed straight to the NA clubhouse to read my book and chill for a bit and completely forgot I had the appointment with her.

So, as of right now, I go to PHP tomorrow and they will let me know when I start IOP. That is, if my insurance is willing to cooperate and give me more days for IOP… I hate the bureaucracy of the medical system in this country. I hate insurance being able to dictate what kind of help a person deserves and is able to get. I hate that everything is so damned expensive, that we need insurance to get by. So, I go to PHP tomorrow, and just wait and see what happens next…

And now… I’m off to bed. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and even though it is only 8:40 pm, I’m calling it quits on this day. I have had it for the day. I can’t take anything else today, even from my own brain. The demons are screaming at me to self harm and kill myself. They want to see blood and pain and suffering. They want me to hurt. They don’t understand that I’m already hurting, every effing day. This depression is killing me, slowly. I don’t need them screaming at me too.

A Little Update, Some Deep Stuff

I don’t even really know what I want to say… I know I want to say something, though. I want to spill my guts, just talk into cyberspace, pretend that because it’s on the computer no one will actually see or read the words on this page. But I don’t know what to say or where to start, really.

I’ve been in PHP (partial hospitalization program) since July 3rd. An entire month now. They haven’t even brought up a possible discharge date yet. I know insurance will spring it on them last minute, that they aren’t going to cover it anymore, and the patient only has one more day in those cases sometimes. I hope mine doesn’t do that, I need time to prepare. Plus, I don’t feel ready to be done with PHP yet.

I’m still feeling extremely depressed, and having suicidal thoughts nearly every day. The doctor at PHP has added a second antidepressant, and recently raised the dosage of that one. Hopefully, it will start to work soon. I hate that psych meds take so long to start working. I need relief from these symptoms, sooner rather than later, and all I can really do is sit and wait while the medication builds up in my system. I am so tired of being depressed. I am tired of wanting to die. There’s this paradox to it, I want to die, but I don’t want to die, at the same time. It’s the second part that has kept me here… that second part is more about my friends than it is about me, in all truthfulness. I just plain won’t do that to them. At this point in time, at least. For now, they are enough to keep me going day to day. For now…

I’m having psychosis every day, as well, to the point that sometimes they seem too real to be hallucinations. I’ve had moments where I really, truly believed that the things I am seeing and hearing are really there. The hallucinations, the demons as I typically refer to them, have been telling me to do things, things that I don’t really want to do. Things like self harm and suicide. Sometimes, however, I do listen to them and act on the lesser of the evils they are commanding of me, even though I don’t want to do it, it shuts them up for a period of time. I get silence for a little while.

Even with the medications, I haven’t had silence in a long time. Silence is something that has eluded me for most of this past year. I am nearing my limit, the limit of what I can handle, what I’m willing to handle.

The demons have been telling me that the medications are going to turn me into one of them, also. Which makes it hard for me to take them. During the week, the nurse at PHP has been helping me take my meds in the morning. All my psych meds are in the morning, and those are the only ones that I’m having trouble taking; I can take my medical meds with no problems. The weekends are another story. Yesterday, I was able to take them but immediately had an insanely strong urge to throw up. I was only able to keep the meds down for about 5 minutes. Today, I’ve only been able to take a Thorazine. At least, so far. It’s getting a little late to take them, though. I tried taking the Thorazine, hoping that it would make it easier to take the rest of them once it started to kick in, but my plan didn’t really work too well. I’ve managed to keep the Thorazine down, however, so that should count for something.

I don’t know, I’ve just gotten to this point where I am so freaking tired… tired of the symptoms, tired of fighting, tired of everything. I have PHP in the morning, and I don’t even want to go… I always feel just a little better once I’m there, but I want to just not go and spend the day sulking in bed, isolating. I’ll probably still go, though. Because I’m supposed to, because I’m expected to be there. Because I always do what is expected of me…

The Promise of AA

I self harmed last night, and landed myself in the ER yet again. This time, they had me on suicide watch while I was there. I had someone sitting with me the entire time. The doctor had me talk with the social worker before I was allowed to leave. He was concerned about the fact that I was actively hallucinating and that the demons were/are telling me to self harm. I should take a thorazine, but I would be falling asleep in the middle of PHP if I do. There’s not enough caffeine in the world to keep me awake through a thorazine.

One thing the social worker at the ER said, which I’ve never been told before, is I can come to the ER before I self harm, tell them that the demons are telling me to self harm and I don’t want to, and they will put me in a bed until I feel safe enough to leave. She said they could even give me a PRN medication to help with the demons. She promised, as long as I’m coherent, and not a danger to myself or others, they would let me leave eventually. They know me at that ER. They have extensive notes on how I usually present, and can compare my current presentation to the notes from previous visits, where I was allowed to leave. She assured me that if I present in the same state as I did this morning, that I would be able to leave at some point, when I feel safe again. She would rather I come in before I self harm and wait out the urge in the ER, than come in for sutures again in another week.


“When an alcoholic’s brain tells them to do something harmful to themselves… like drink… they listen to it. The promise of AA is that we can take those ideas less seriously, and what our greater power thinks more seriously.” – my sponsor

I was texting with my sponsor this morning and he said this in the course of the conversation.

We were talking about the self harm and the trip to the ER. When he said “drink,” my brain read “cut.” It was like I didn’t even see the word “drink.” The promise of AA… I can use the program to help myself with the self harm and use the steps and my greater power to help myself move beyond the self harm.

If only I can remember that in the moment… I can never remember the coping skills I have been taught over the years, in the moment. I can never remember to reach out to my support system, in the moment. All I can think of, in the moment, is the self harm urge and what it will do for me if I go through with it.

My sponsor is the best. He always knows what to say at the right time. I needed to hear exactly what he said this morning. I don’t have to listen to the idea that drinking or cutting is a good idea. I don’t have to go through with it just because my brain is saying that it is a good idea. Over time, the ideas will become less serious to me and I can become closer to my greater power’s wants and ideas. I can learn, over time, what my greater power wants from me and learn to do that instead.

That is the promise of AA.